I Slipped Up

I have been trying really hard here lately to stay focused on gratitude, counting my blessings, giving thanks for them, and praising God for all that He has done and continues to do in our lives.  It's hard to train your brain to think positively as much as it possibly can.  It stretches your brain!  And your heart!  Negative thoughts, feelings of pity, selfishness, thoughts of judgement....it's hard to make a conscious effort to push those out of your mind, especially when you are going through a time of trial.  And tonight, I slipped up (figuratively) as I was stepping into the shower.  I caught myself whining, "Ohhh...I wiiiiish I had a bathtub to soak in right nooooow."  See, we "only" have a shower in our master (emphasized because it's one of two) bathroom.  And I have for many months longed for a tub to soak in at night (our other bathroom has a tub but is too close to the boys' rooms and too loud).  I usually just remind myself, "In our someday house, you'll have a bathtub."  But tonight I whined about it.  And "something" knocked me upside my head and told me, "Did you just hear yourself?!"  I quickly thought about the hot, clean, fresh water I had running over me.  I thought about the fact that this is my SECOND shower for the day.  Why two?  Because, I have been really sick in this pregnancy and showers make me feel better.  My SECOND shower.  While there are people on our precious planet that haven't been clean in months or will never take a bath.  Or a shower.  With soap.  Or hot water.  They are grateful for water TO DRINK.  And you know what?  Their souls matter just as much to our Lord as my soul does.  My second shower...to help ease my pregnancy sickness symptoms.  The pregnancy I am so BLESSED with as I have friends struggling.  The pregnancy that requires the (expensive) prenatal care I am so GRATEFUL to have access to, that millions of women around the world do not have access to.  My mind continued to race with these thoughts and reminders of my selfishness, my lack of gratitude.  I thought about the friend of a friend of mine who recently died in Africa because she was doing what the Lord called her to do: mission work.  She died in a highly inadequate hospital (compared to our standards of care) that didn't have the medicine she needed to help her fight malaria.  She was only 34.  I thought about her as my eyes filled with tears and I just tried to focus on the blessing that IS my running water, that IS my pregnancy, that IS my comfortable life in Big Lake, Tx.    

**As I was falling asleep last night, thinking about what I had written, I realized that it probably implies that I don't regularly struggle with maintaining good, healthy thoughts and I wanted to add this today.  I have dozens of slip ups a day.  I am human and I am so far from perfect.  This particular slip up last night, though, just hit me harder than usual.  It weighed more heavily on my heart for some reason.  And I wanted to share.