I Hear You

To say the last few weeks have been a struggle for me, would probably be an understatement. I have been struggling through some of the most daunting, frustrating and painful feelings I have ever felt.  Before anyone makes any assumptions, it has nothing to do with my wonderful husband!  And it's probably too personal to talk about right now but maybe someday I'll share.  Regardless, it's just been tough.  I really believe that when Satan sees a weakness, or an opportunity to bring you down more than you already are, he will do just that.  In tough times, it's even more important to draw near to Him and that is not what I have done in the past weeks.  And I have been feeling it!  I absolutely have to regain my focus and rediscover the protection offered in the shelter of His love.  I was reminded of this twice in one week.  And not through two different bible verses but through one.  One verse that forced me to read it two different times, brought to me through two different channels, in one week.

This past Thursday, I had my monthly meeting with a group of women who have thoroughly blessed my life.  We meet to offer each other encouragement, hear a lesson in faith, and usually participate in some quirky activity to make us think outside of the box and bring us back to the basics in life.  The basics such as the simple act of being able to sit still.  And silent.  And be peaceful.  This principle was brought to us through a simple activity where the leader had each of us go to separate parts of the house, where we couldn't see each other, and just sit.  No noise.  No kids.  No demands.  Just silence.  I chose a seat in the hostess' dining room, facing a wall, where she had a nice arrangement of Christian memorabilia.  There it was, so perfectly embroidered on a cream colored, floral tapestry: "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control."  Galatians 5:22-23  In my fiveish minutes of silence, I really meditated on this verse.  LOVE, JOY, PEACE, AND PATIENCE should be as much a part of my boy's days as I can possibly squeeze in them.  And I pray for children who don't know these four fruits in their day-to-day.  I should put forth more effort to make KINDNESS AND GOODNESS a way of life in my day-to-day interactions with all.  FAITHFULNESS will always be an integral part of my marriage but, GENTLENESS, I know my husband would appreciate more of.  SELF-CONTROL.  I simply must have more self control in multiple areas of my life!  Going into our five minutes of silence, I already knew this verse but probably could not have recited it perfectly.  But, when I left that dining room at the end of my five minutes, I intimately knew this verse in ways I won't forget.  And I made sure to read it in a way that I could apply to my life.

A few days later, as the boys and I prepared for nap time, we read a sweet, little, Christian book that had been passed down to us.  It was our first time to read it and I immediately knew the verses the book was based on.  Galatians 5:22-23.  The book walks the reader through each fruit and how that fruit can be applied to life.  At the end of the book, the verse was printed, "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control."  I closed the book, said a little prayer, and put the boys down for a nap.  The coincidence of this verse coming to me twice in just a few days time was just overwhelming.  Of course, it's not "just coincidence"!

At that Thursday night ladies group, part of our discussion was about the Lord reminding us to just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).  How, if you let yourself wonder too far away from Him, He will make himself known once again, one way or another.  He will get your attention.  Be it a cream colored, floral tapestry on a friend's wall, or a child's book, He will get your attention when He needs it most.

"Okay!  Okay!  Open my heart to you.  Show me what I need to know right now.  Or have you already?  I'm listening."

 

I Do Skip More

I hope that my mother-in-law can inspire you the way she has inspired me.  She is the mother to my husband.  She is the Nana to my babies.  She is my constant reminder that life must be lived in the now, not the someday.

Nana and Chandler

Deborah has battled Multiple Sclerosis for 18 years.  She became confined to a wheelchair in 2008.  Her MS has been fairly static recently, having begun a new treatment about a year and a half ago, which has somewhat stalled the progression.  And we are thankful.

Nana holding Cooper Laine

She has told me many times how this terrible disease has affected who she is and her future.  And somehow, despite dealing with pretty extreme physical limitations and challenges, she maintains an extraordinary sense of happiness and simplicity about life.   Years ago, prior to her diagnosis, she always looked forward to the "someday I'll....".  Someday she would travel here or there, or enjoy this or that.  She never expected to be burdened with such a life altering disease, though.  And now, going here or there, or doing this or that, presents an entirely new set of challenges for her, if it's even doable (we haven't met a challenge yet that we haven't been able to handle!).  However, I can say that I have never witnessed endurance, forgiveness and acceptance like I have in this woman.  I cannot say I haven't ever heard her cry about the limitations this disease puts on her, because I have.  We have cried many tears together.  But each time she gets down, we cry, we laugh and she moves on.  And it makes my pity party over my sore feet seem quite petty.  She deals with soreness every single day.  She deals with issues far too personal to write about; issues that none of us want to battle at any point in our lives.  And she has dealt with them for years.  Her strength leaves me speechless (doesn't happen often, folks) more times than not.  If I can become half the woman she is, I will be blessed.  I know her in ways not many daughters-in-law can say they know their mother-in-law.  And I wouldn't change a thing.  I certainly can't complain.  I got a good one!

Riding a horse for the first time in over 15 years

Crazy ladies in Vegas

My mom and Deborah, celebrating Deborah's birthday

As I type, I cry, because I want to share the one thing that I think we can all learn from Deborah.  The one aspect of her life that she does have some anger about, is how her disease will impact her relationship with her grandchildren.  She wishes she could teach Chandler how to skip.  She wants so badly to get on the floor and play trucks with Cooper.  But she can't.  We can get her to Vegas and up in the mountains at South lake Tahoe but she can't skip down her sidewalk with her grand-babies.  And that hurts her heart.  And it hurts mine too.  She is a fantastic grandmother in many, many ways, though, thoroughly enjoying her grandchildren every chance she gets.  But, my friends, I skip.  I skip a lot.  And we play on the floor a lot.  We run.  We jump.  And I am so silly with my boys.  Because if she had known then, what her life would be like now, I know she would have skipped more.  We just do not know what life has in store for us.  I really do live by that old adage, "Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.  So quiet down cobwebs; dust, go to sleep.  I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep."  The Lord uses the people in our lives to teach us and boy has He used Deborah in mine.  I do skip more.  And I try really hard not to live in the somedays and make life as enjoyable as I can from day to day.

Honoring a Hero

I have debated heavily about whether or not to blog about the events of the past week in Big Lake.  But, the reality is that this community has experienced something far beyond comprehension.  Two people are gone.  One is dancing with the angels in the most glorious place we believers will ever know.   The other is quite simply not.  It’s not appropriate for me to describe or even begin to understand where he is. He has met his maker, and he has been judged, by a judge much bigger than any earthly judges or jury.  His victim has the glory and honor of sitting in absolute brilliant perfection, with our Jesus, in peace, and surrounded by a love that is far greater than the hatred that spewed from this killer’s heart in the time he was here on Earth.   Josh is singing with the Angels in Heaven which, “shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal,” and that “Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life” (Rev 21: 11, 27).

I decided to proceed with some sort of post about this week for a few reasons.  TJ has many memories with Josh, especially those associated with the Sheriff's department.  At times, he has really struggled with the senseless death of a friend because Josh was so young.  It was hard for him to see his friend, who once was so full of life, now motionless.  He felt honored to stand guard over Josh for a few hours while he was in Big Lake, the night before the service.  He feels honored to have known such a fine person as Josh Mitchell.  I wanted to write these experiences down it because I want my boys to be able to read what a brave, remarkable man they have for a father.  I want them to know about the amazing Sheriff’s Department their father was honored to work for as a reserve deputy.  I want them to be able to know this story that no one would have ever expected to unfold in little Big Lake, Texas.   Also, many have asked us about this tragic event, and TJ’s involvement.  Friends and Family of ours who don’t live in Big Lake and know and love us and want to know the personal side of it, that the papers don't report.

Around 6:00pm on the evening of Wednesday, August 1st, TJ received a page from dispatch, notifying him of shots fired at 12th and Main.  As fate would have it, TJ received the page as he was on his way home from work, driving down 12th, approaching this intersection.   He saw Deputy Josh Mitchell’s patrol car in the alley, quickly parked his truck, he was then notified that Deputy Mitchell had been shot and was able to see that an ambulance was already at Josh’s side.  He grabbed his gun and headed toward the nearby community pool, where he instructed everyone at the pool to get inside.  He made his way back towards his truck and the area where the shots were fired.  He met up with Chief Deputy Jeff Weatherby and Captain Destin Wilha and provided cover for them while they searched for the suspect.   In this search, additional shots were fired at Chief Deputy Weatherby and Captain Wilha.  (We wouldn’t know until later how close this exchange came to injuring or killing another Deputy)  They retreated.  The suspect barricaded himself in his residence and the stand off ensued.  TJ stayed on the scene, along with hundreds of various law enforcement personnel, and continued to monitor the house, guns drawn, for hours.  Seventeen hours until the suspect was brought out to face hundreds of people waiting for him.  Seventeen hours for this community to finally see the bloody, stomach-turning face of a killer.  No one slept that night.  Not the deputies, not their wives, not Josh's family, not much of the community.  Despite killing one of their own, these officers had to respect the suspect and get him access to medical care, as his attempt to commit suicide had failed.  He received this care at the same hospital where his victim died.  The same hospital where his victim’s wife works as a nurse.  He was transferred to a hospital in San Angelo where he later died of his injuries.  

This was TJ’s story on August 1, 2012.   I cry because I realize how dangerous of a situation this really was.  Because, this cop-killer had no regard for any human life this day and he was prepared to kill anyone.  And TJ was there.  He was more in thick of it than I realized at the time.  I praise God for getting him home to us safely.  And, I praise God for protecting every single member of law enforcement that was there, especially Chief Deputy Weatherby and Captain Wilha, as they were fired upon, and the SWAT team that so bravely entered the suspect’s house.  This was TJ’s story on this day and he will never, ever forgot this experience.  And Sheriff Jeff Garner has a story of August 1st, 2012.  The EMTs who responded have a story.  Deputy Mitchell’s wife has a story.  This community has a story.  This community’s story on July 31, 2012 was a story of togetherness, happiness, simplicity, prosperity, busyness, honesty, compassion, hard work and love.  And, on August 1st, all of our stories were rewritten against our will.  Josh’s story ended.  Too soon.  Unfairly.  So incredibly senselessly.  His wife has to find a way to start a new story without him.  There are not words to properly express the sympathy I have in my heart for her and the rest of Josh’s family.  It’s just not something that will ever be forgotten.  I simply cannot wrap my head around the fact that one individual was able to cause so much pain, chaos and turmoil.

What an exhausting week this has been.  Watching my husband, all of the members of the Reagan County Sheriff’s Department, this sweet, little community, and Deputy Mitchell’s wife and family mourn the loss of one of their finest deputies has been the most….heart wrenching, unimaginably painful moments in my life.  I have felt a lot of pain before, losing people that I love.  But, their pain is very, very different not only because of the circumstances, but because of the life that should have been lived, but is so senselessly and selfishly lost forever.  Watching all of these people, each agonizing soul, mourn this death is just simply indescribable.  There are not words to properly illustrate the pain, the anger, the terror, the absolute sadness I see on their faces.  And to know the pain and chaos that must be raging in this young man’s wife’s heart just puts the biggest lump in my throat.  It makes me nauseous to think about it, actually.  Because, I think about my best friend, my love, my TJ and how hard it would be to sleep in an empty bed, knowing he would never return.  I can only imagine her pain. And she will be in our prayers for a long, long time.

Josh's life was celebrated yesterday, in a big way.  His services were simply amazing.  There is such an astounding level of respect, tradition, love and gratitude shown for the life of a community servant like Josh when that life is lost.  I pray I never have to see it again.  I was honored to participate in the services along with the wives of the other deputies and reserve deputies, and the sheriff's wife.  What a beautiful, remarkable set of women.  And how proud were are of our men!  The ceremonies at the park were by far the most moving of the day.  A bagpipe and drum band led the hearse into the park, the drums deeply pounding to the emotions of our hearts.  An officer solemnly standing by himself in a field by a waiting tent bellowed orders to the hundreds of law enforcement personnel in attendance.  They all slowly salute.  The Sheriff and his deputies followed the hearse and then gently, poignantly, carried their brother under the tent.  A twenty-one gun salute made every bone in our bodies crack with the fire of the guns.  It was chilling. Following the playing of Taps, a long period of very still silence surrounded us while the flag covering the casket was gingerly folded, each crease meticulously pleated to perfection.  The pipes played Amazing Grace as flags were presented.  And then the most moving part of the ceremony, the last call.  The hundreds in attendance heard dispatch call for 805.  Again, 805.  No response.  805 could only respond from Heaven.  Tears flowed from everyone as Sheriff Garner's voice cracked a poised, but pained, response to dispatch, "On my authority, retire badge number 805 and hold Deputy Josh Mitchell 10-42," and dispatch responded, retiring his badge.  It was hard to make out all of the words but no one missed the pain that was so evident in their voices.  A riderless horse, boots backwards in the stirrups, passed by the tent.  It was one of the saddest moments I have ever witnessed.  Jill told us that Josh deserved every bit of this, and I believe he did.  He loved his job and he died protecting our community.  He did deserve every single bit of it, Jill.        

We aren’t promised days without pain.  We are promised salvation.  And, by accepting Him into our lives, we are promised to again see our loved ones who also believed.  I know that doesn’t help the wounds heal any faster (and they don’t need to heal faster).  But once the wounds are healed, this promise makes bearing the scars somewhat easier.  The scars are the promise.  You will see him again.  You will.

Unnecessarily Complicated

While driving today, I was thinking about some people I know going through rough times and I just couldn't get over some of their circumstances.  WHY do these people so unnecessarily complicate their lives??!!  WHY would you continue to make choice after choice that adds stress and chaos to your life??!!  WHY torture yourself in such a way??!!  I am perplexed.  I just can't wrap my mind around this process.  We all know people like this, right?  And we see them on the news all the time. Really, 18-year-old-boy-who-just-tried-to-steal-a-30-pack-from-an-Allsups?  Really?  You have no idea how complicated your life just got.  Don't get me wrong.  I have unnecessarily complicated my life before.....

      .......Like the time I ran my bank account down to nothing and had to ask my parents to bail me out (okay, okay, that might have happened a few times but I was young).  Or the time the keys to my Jeep were 30 miles away from my Jeep, in a friends car (sorry Mom).  Or the next summer when I got said Jeep stuck in river rocks because I was somewhere I shouldn't have been (sorry Dad).  Oh, or my 21st birthday....oh that was a disaster.  I don't even know who to apologize to for that one..... The list is long, for sure.  I'll have to think about some of the other interesting ways I have unnecessarily complicated my life (and decide if they are for sharing!).  Maybe that will be another post.

Anyways.  You make mistakes in life.  And I wish mine was mistake free because I can only imagine the care-free, stress-less life that comes with that.  But, I'd be really dumb had I not made mistakes in my past because they forced me to learn and grow!  And, I'm human, and I continue to sin.  Sometimes a small mistake, sometimes a large one; it's all equal in His eyes.  {So, wait.  My sin is equal to the sin of these people I've been thinking about and praying for who are making such bad decisions?  Yep.  Mmm....Have a piece of humble pie.}  I'd like to believe that I'm trying hard though, to make good choices.  I want to make the right decisions that will hopefully only bless our family, not stress our family.      

What drives me nuts about unnecessarily complicated people is that in order to seemingly uncomplicate their lives, they find it necessary to complicate yours.  Unnecessarily.  What I'm saying is: I absolutely hate it when the bad choices of others affect your life negatively.  And I know it's easy to say, "Just don't let it!" or "Just let it roll off your back!"  Blah blah blah.  NO!  "Quit affecting my life so negatively through your bad choices" is what I just want to SCREAM!  How do they creep in and unnecessarily complicate your life?  By making their stress your stress.  By dragging you down with them.  By sucking you in.  Because, ultimately, I believe they are jealous of your fairly uncomplicated life.  And that is where I have so much growing and learning left to do.  Many prayers yet to be prayed for my heart to be changed.  Because, I'm a mover and a shaker.  I stand up for what is right.  Silence is acceptance and I rarely accept being silent (sorry, honey).  When your bad choice hurts me or someone I love, expect me to get rattled.  And that is what I have to change.  

I'm not going to apologize for my simple, happy life.  Though we continue to make mistakes, and we always will, I am grateful that the Lord has instilled a strong spirit of awareness in our hearts.  We are aware of the decisions we make.  We apologize if they are the wrong.  We pray.  We grow.  Sometimes not enough.  We pray harder.  But, as I stated above, I do feel like we are trying to live a virtuous, simple life and I must work on not allowing these unnecessarily complicated people to complicate my life unnecessarily!

This little chair is mine....

 I use it all the time......

 

To reach the things I couldn't.... 

 And LOTS of things

 I shouldn't!

Sure love my little "helper"!!

Our First Adventure...

In May, TJ and I decided to be on the lookout for a used, fifth wheel, recreational vehicle for our little family to buy and take on some adventures in the coming years.  It took a while to find the right one for us (because we needed it to have more beds than just a master and a fold out couch) but we finally found a bunkhouse that is perfect for us.  We are planning an awesome little family vacation in a couple of weeks....pictures to follow.  But, we were anxious to take it on a trial run, just to get a handle on how everything works before we set off on a big adventure.  So, we traveled down Kerrville, set up camp and we really had a good time.  Here are some of the highlights!

If you look closely, Cooper is wiped out, peacefully
sleeping on our way
 back to the RV after our trip to the swimming pool.

We had some yogurt at a really neat little yogurt shop...Chandler loved this!

We were right on the water and it was very peaceful!

Helping Daddy

Daddy of the year award goes to..... TJ!!

Looking at butterflies in Fredericksburg.

Playing Connect Four at Hondo's
(well, playing stack the chips in as fast as we can,
release the chips to fall, laugh and repeat)

So who knew this place existed?!
The Hanger Hotel and Restaurant in Fredericksburg

Chandler LOVED watching the small planes land and take off
while we ate our ice cream.
I think this was the highlight of the trip for him.

The Cafe

Not sure why Cooper isn't happy, but a nice man offered to take a picture of
our family!  I'd highly recommend making this little cafe a stop next time you're
in Fredericksburg!

Update on the Hill Home

A LOT has happened in the month since I posted last!

This little guy has really started to eat up that baby food!  And interestingly enough, he hates apples.  If there is a hint of apple in any of the baby food I buy for him, he screams as he eats it.  Hmmm...

He has started sitting up really well and rolls all over the place.  He cut two teeth two weeks ago (a lot faster than big brother...Chandler didn't cut a tooth until he was one!).  I know he will be crawling soon and I'm happy for these milestones but I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't a little sad for him to be reaching them so quickly.

But the big news in Cooper's life was his surgery to remove a dermoid cyst from above his right eye.  I was incredibly anxious for him to have to go under anesthesia.  I guess I talk a lot when I'm nervous?  I talked the ears off of my husband, my mother and our Pastor.  But, when the nurses brought him back to me, Cooper looked up at me and smiled and then inhaled a 6 ounce bottle.  You would not have even known he just had surgery.  And that is pretty much how the following days of recovery went!  A few fussy periods but for the most part, Cooper handled this surgery like a champ!  We are incredibly grateful for the prayers that covered our baby boy and thankful to God for keeping him safe and happy. 

Post-Op, Post-Bottle

About a week later
  

Chandler had a big month!  He turned two on the 14th!  He is changing so much every day.  His vocabulary is quite impressive now.  And, of course he repeats everything we say and he does everything his daddy does.  He amazes us!!  He knows his numbers, one through ten, and many of his letters and colors.  He would live outside if we let him.  We were given four horses a few weeks ago so his new favorite thing is to go "check horses" in the evenings at Nana and Andaddy's.  He is such a joy!  He is an absolute delight to have in our lives and I just praise God for allowing us to be his parents!

Birthday morning eating cupcakes

Swimming at Nana's at his party

Playing the piano while Nana sings

What an important job TJ and I have been tasked with.  Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had but it's also my favorite and the most rewarding.  On the day of Chandler's birthday, I was expressing to TJ how amazed I am at how quickly I feel like the last two years have gone by.  I cried to him that we "only" have sixteen years left!  I know this is "my life's work" (to quote a dear friend) but, we only have sixteen years left until this sweet child graduates high school  and ventures into this big world as an adult.  Not by himself; he will always have us by his side.  As an adult, though.  We have a lot to teach him in these short sixteen years!!  What an incredibly important, amazing job He has trusted us with!  My prayer for us in the next sixteen years is that we are able to teach Chandler how important Christ is to his life and how very very much he is loved by our Lord.  I pray we can equip him with the tools he needs to be financially independent and responsible, emotionally healthy and strong, and to find an adventure around every corner.  I just want us to fill the next sixteen years with as many memories, fun, adventures and love as we possibly can.  It's only sixteen years!

A few more recent pictures

Going to check horses

Reading a book our cousin Kristen sent us

Not only has it been a busy month or so since I posted last, but in a seven day period, we have celebrated Chandler's birthday, my birthday (EEKK), Father's Day and tomorrow we celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary.  What a fun, beautiful life TJ and I get to live!  Our hearts are so incredibly full!

Picking Up Rocks

Last July, our family invested in 25 acres of land that is a perfect place for us to build a home someday. 

These two (plus Cooper) are going to have a lot of fun here in the coming years!

One corner of our property has PLENTY of rocks.  Plenty.
Which is a good thing because Chandler is really into rocks right now.
He LOVES them!

 So we knew where to go when we needed some flat rocks to border our flower beds.  And it was certainly a family effort!  And it was one of the reasons my Mother's Day was so special!

Chandler picked up and placed every single rock on the edge of that tailgate.
Looks like he has his daddy's work ethic! Praise The Lord!

We saw lots of cactus (loved this special one), scorpions, lizards, birds, butterflies and lots of rocks.  It was a great day.  A really great day.